Dress Stress

I bought a Maggie Sorretto dress in late January.  It wasn't what I'd always seen myself in or anything remotely close to it.  But it was beautiful, the price was right and I was completely OVER trying on dresses.  I started having doubts almost immediately.  There were a few days in there where the excitement of finding a dress and relief of not having to try on anymore was hugely masking the truth.  Slowly those feelings of excitement and relief lifted and I was left with puzzlement as to why I had ended up with something so far from my original plans.  I pushed those feelings aside and ignored them for a good four months.  I finally scheduled my first fitting and while standing in it, feeling the weight of it (literally) those doubtful feelings began to weigh me down making the dress feel as though it was lined with lead.  I had always envisioned a dress on the side of non-traditional.  Something simple and light with personality on it's own, but with a little room to add a hint more of my own style to it like a colorful sash, or floral embellishment.  This dress I was drowning in had so much personality on it's own, there was no room for me.  It spoke volumes leaving me unable to get a word in edgewise.  I continued to slap these thoughts away.  I repeatedly told myself that "It's too late", "It's really pretty and you'll look and feel fine", "You're really terrible at making decisions so it's hard to accept you finally made one and have to stick with it...." etc etc....
I had only mentioned that I was unsure about it to my mom once, off-handed and it didn't even spark a conversation more than a couple sentences long and we were onto the next thing.  But then, a few weeks ago, I had a dream.  I dreamt that the HTB (Hubs-to-be) and I were standing in a grassy field, under an arbor, the officiant taking us through the motions of our ceremony.  We were in our everyday clothes of jeans and t-shirts and I was bawling.  I had nothing to wear and I couldn't wear that dress so I was crying at the alter in jeans....how terrible of a dream is that?!

I don't care how happy these peeps look...
jeans are not my deal at a wedding

I woke the next morning determined my sub-conscience was telling me to stop ignoring my doubts and start trying to find a new dress.  I had up, until this point, cut myself off from looking at any photos of dresses in an effort to keep myself from longing for the greener grass on the other side of the fence.  You can't long for it if you can't see it right??  So I started looking for a dress I had seen while searching for bridesmaid dresses for my lovely ladies and after a lunch hour of scouring the internet while shoveling chili tofu leftovers into my face, I found it.  I figured I could buy the new one without bothering anyone about it, though my budget was tight, and see if I felt any different about it then I did the one hanging in my extra bathroom slash walk-in closet.  I got home that night and put it all together with rush fees that I inevitably would have to pay now since I ignored these issues long enough that we were within the two-three month range of the wedding, with still the possibility that it would need to be altered.  So with rush fees, shipping and the dress itself, it all came out to be more than my tiny budget could afford.  

Sunken hearted, I began to tell myself that it's really not that big of a deal.  I went back to convincing myself that it's not all about the dress (which I believe, but it doesn't mean the dress doesn't matter).  I started looking for shoes and made a final decision about bridesmaid dresses to make things more final.  I couldn't stand on the fence forever, I had to jump down on one side or the other eventually.  So I was on the side with the dress I had, the dress I was going to wear and be happy about it.  {Le sigh}.  That's the way life goes sometimes.  I had made a choice and I wasn't going to go whining to others about it.  I went to one of my best friends about it right after I had the dream, and, like a good friend, she reassured me that she had doubts about her dress too and her wedding day came and she loved it, felt great in it and was really happy she stuck with it, but if I decided to get a new one, she'd support me in that decision too.  By that time though, I had realized that I was pretty much stuck with what I gut....

 Over this past weekend, I went shopping with my mom to help her find a dress for the wedding and as I was telling her about my awesome shoe find on ebay, she spiked my blood pressure with the phrase I NEVER like to hear.  "I need to say something and I'm not sure you're going to like it...." (or something resembling such a phrase).  I gave her the sideways, "seriously, now what" gaze when she started to tell me she didn't think my dress was right and that she didn't think I should wear a dress that I wasn't comfortable with.  I proceeded to make excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't get a new dress this late in the game and finally let slip that I'd found another one, I just couldn't pay for it and the rush fees and I didn't know if it would be able to get here in time, etc, etc.  All that and what I really should have done was cry tears of joy that I was getting a get out of jail free card (the dress being jail....) and that my mom cared and knew me enough to know I was unhappy with my decision.  She assured me we could sell jail dress and that wasn't even something to worry about until after the wedding.  She told me to go home and order the dress and even told me how "me" it was when I showed her a photo on my fancy iPhone. 

This being my feeling when thinking of Jail dress...

I feel really relieved that I have this second chance to get the dress right, but have a whole new level of stress attached to the fact that it might not come in time.  I had to order 4 sizes larger than my usual size because after taking my measurements, found that my ribs are 4 sizes bigger than the rest of me (I considered removing a few, but decided I could have a custom dress rush ordered for the price of that procedure...).  Not only will it be super close to arriving in time, and then a speedy gonzolas alteration session, but what if it doesn't come in time at all!?!?  Then I have NOTHING!  Jail dress hasn't been altered so still doesn't fit.  Worst case scenario is I'm out the week before the wedding, picking up a prom dress at Macy's for $80, which I'll be mumbling to myself that "I should have just done this in the first place and saved myself and others lots of time and moola".  

BUT positive thinking is key, so I plan on seeing a UPS driver fling it onto my porch no later than Friday August 5th and zooming that box straight over to my seamstress.  I'm sorry I can't share this dress with you kids, but I can tell you it's going to be not only lovely and a true expression of yours truly, but, with any luck, a converstation piece for all of our lovely guests to talk about for years to come.  

So wish me luck in Round 2 and I can't wait to share photos!!! (after the nuptials of course....